A Dream

My Dad always had horses, but Ricky was
special, he was my first horse that belonged
 to me. This was our first ride on the first day
I had him.

I have this dream.  It's a dream about a horse, of course!  This dream of a quality of relationship that I have with this horse.  This horse truly wants to be with me; would chose to be with me and do things with me of his own free will.  This horse would invite me onto his back because he trusts me and wants to carry me. This horse enjoys and anticipates with pleasure the experience of our bodies moving together.

This dream seems unattainable and inaccessible.  In all my years of riding and working with horses I have not experienced more than moments of this kind of connection with my horses.  I am still searching for that dream. 

I had it when I was a child.   Riding my first horse, Ricky, bareback, barefoot through irrigated pastures - racing through green pastures with water splashing all around us to the top of the hill where I would lie on his back while he ate grass in the shade of the cottonwood trees.  We unequivocally loved each other.  There was no fear in that relationship - he was my buddy and I was his buddy.  My sister and I would take off for the day with Ricky and Danny and ride all day.  Our property bordered BLM so we would head into the back country and just explore endlessly.  I can remember getting into sticky situations where the trees were too thick and low to ride under and in absence of a trail we would get off and walk through the thick trees, down steep and rocky hillsides to find our way back.  God forbid we should have to retrace our steps!  How boring!

Ricky and I getting ready to go for a bareback ride.

Perhaps that is why the dream sticks with me.  I had it as a child and somewhere along the line I lost it.  Looking back, it seems as though the more 'educated' I became about horses and riding, the less connected and safe I felt with my horses.  Of course I've had my share of falls and frightening experiences with volatile horses (I somehow attract that variety into my life!).  As an adult there is a weight of responsibility, responsibility to earn a living and care for my equine charges.  That weight of responsibility also takes a toll on the dream.  It makes me extra cautious.  I can't afford to get hurt...

I had pretty much quit riding a few years back.  I had lots of good reasons why I had quit.  Not enough time, too many horses, working too hard with other people's horses. I do rehab so by the time they are rideable they go home.... suffice to say there were lots of reasons and they all seemed very legitimate.  But really, they were all just excuses to hide behind because the reality is that I didn't feel safe up there anymore.

In college here. That's my husband, Steve, on Ricky in the background. Still trying to win me over at that time so he was on a horse! :)  I'm in the middle on Brandy and my best friend Analise is riding my Dad's roping horse, Apache.  We had a blast galloping through the snowy fields that day.

I am beginning a new phase of my journey now.  A journey to find my own voice in relation to my work with horses.  To live the dream that I had when I was a child.  To rediscover the joy and trust that comes with being friends with my horses again!